*Desire—to wish or long for; crave; want.
*Individual—a single human being; a person; a distinct, indivisible entity.
This year I am celebrating the first of what I hope to be many 29th birthdays. Speaking of which, I’m not entirely sure why women have decided that 29 is the age we are to remain permanently throughout life once we’ve attained it. I’m not complaining about it. My late 20’s have been some pretty great years, though it just makes me wonder...was there some sort of council held or vote taken to decide? Anyway, return from tangent.
I talk a lot about my coworkers. We have a pretty tight-knit group of friends at work with more diversity than most places of previous employment when it comes to backgrounds, race, beliefs, political viewpoints, and life aspirations, among other things. Interestingly enough, it’s probably also the closest group of friends I’ve ever had. I could be all corny and say we’re like a bunch of different instruments that make a sweet symphony, but I’ll refrain. Oh, wait. Anyway, you get the point. I love that we’re not just a bunch of cookie-cutters and that had we all been friends in high school, cliques would be a thing of the past because there wouldn’t have been one in which we could have all fit. I love our differences. Equally so, I love our similarities. Most importantly, I think having a balance of both is extremely valuable.
There have been a few blog topics “trending” on Facebook recently (which, by the way, when did trending become a trend?). Two particular subjects have caught my interest: the “Ode to the Stay-at-Home Mommy” blog posts and the “I’m Older and Single and FINE and HOW-DARE-YOU-THINK-I-COULD-WANT-ANYTHING-ELSE-IN-LIFE” posts. Now before everyone gets offended because you or others you know fit into one or both of those two categories, let me redeem myself. I don’t think anyone deserves more praise than stay-at-home moms. In addition, I think it’s great for us “older” singles to find purpose and peace in life. So why am I even bringing all of this up?
In a world that claims to be evermore accepting of the grey and encouraging individualism, I feel like more so than ever, and heavily influenced by the virtual lives we have all become a part of via the internet, we as a society try to compartmentalize each other into these black-and-white boxes with easy-to-read labels: “Stay-at-home-mom”, “Single”, “Student”, “Workaholic”, “Unemployed”, “Welfare recipient”, “Atheist”, “Religious”, etc., etc., etc. The labels are essentially endless and yet, none of them really define anyone. Let me elaborate.
Throughout portions of my career, I have worked in addiction treatment. When doing so, it seemed as if most of my clients felt their addiction defined who they were. They were no longer individuals with stories or hopes or dreams. Instead, they had simply become “addicts”. I often asked them if, when introducing themselves (outside of 12-step meetings, of course), they ever said something along the lines of, “Hey, I’m John, and I’m an addict.” They usually laughed at me like I was an idiot, but I explained to them that essentially, that’s what they were doing when labeling themselves or allowing others to label them. We would then discuss all of the things that really defined who they were, including interests and hobbies, hopes, dreams, desires, skills and talents, and the stories of how they had come to that point in their lives. Interestingly enough, there never seemed to be one word or phrase that defined an individual. No label could capture who that person was. Yes, they may struggle with addiction, but there was always so much more to them than the label of “addict”. Such is the case with stay-at-home-moms, singles, and all of the other labeled categories of people. Behind the labels are individuals with thoughts and feelings and ambitions and stories.
The other day, I was talking with my dear friend and former roommate, Ashley. She’s a number of years younger than me and is married with a baby. Ashley put her formal education on hold for marriage and family. She is an incredible wife and mother, gives her family her all, and loves it! You know what, though? She would still really love to finish her education as well as pursue other desires. Sometimes she misses being single. She likes talking to her single friends about their dating and social lives. If a new song comes out that she loves or she finds a quote that hits home for her, I’m likely going to hear about it. AND THAT’S OKAY. It doesn’t make her a bad mom or wife for having those interests or desires. She is still an individual with hobbies and goals and friends. And I think that’s the way God would have things be. I don’t think we ever attain a status in life (such as “stay-at-home-mom”) at which point we’re supposed to stop learning or growing or being a friend to those around us.
Like I stated at the beginning, I’m almost 29. I’m also single. A few years back, I finished my master’s degree and have a steady job that provides decent income and much-needed benefits (not to mention the great coworkers I already mentioned). I have a lot of freedom to do what I want. Travel doesn’t have to be planned around someone else’s schedule and I can come home as late as I want from playing basketball every Monday without having to worry about someone waiting up for me. I’m content and happy with the life that I have. You know what, though? On any given day, I’d gladly trade in my 70 clients for a few kids of my own. I want nothing more than to be a wife and mother. AND THAT’S OKAY. It doesn’t mean people need to throw me a pity party for being single, but it also doesn’t mean that people need to pretend that I don’t want a family or shy away from talking about their own families in front of me. I am happy with where I am in life because I know I’m exactly where God wants me to be and doing what He wants me to be doing and I am so grateful for all of the experiences I’ve had up until this point that I wouldn’t have otherwise had if I already had a family. A family is still my greatest desire, though, and I’m not ashamed to say it. And I’m pretty sure last time I checked, it’s God’s greatest desire for me too, but He just has a few things for me to help out with before I get there.
Ashley and I talked about how people feel like the grass is always greener on the other side. I say that’s a bunch of bull. We live in Arizona. If you have green grass, either it’s fake, or your water bill is too high. In all seriousness, though, no matter how green the grass looks from afar, chances are once you get up close, it’s not going to be as perfect as you thought. To some extent, everyone has patchy grass. So why not come to love the grass you’re already standing in?
What’s the point of all of this nonsense? I love all of the women out there who are willing to be stay-at-home-mom’s (or men willing to be stay-at-home-dad’s as the case may be). I love that single adults choose to lead happy and productive lives and make the world a better place. I just wish we could become more comfortable with acknowledging and accepting that we also have desires beyond those labels, and that’s okay. It’s okay to dream. It’s okay to hope. It’s okay to feel. It’s okay to be a distinct human being who wishes or longs for worthy things outside the scope of your current circumstances.
Hence, the birth of this blog. Ashley and I want to share our perspectives from our respective positions in life. We want to share the joys, challenges, and uniqueness of our current circumstances. As with my coworkers, we want to celebrate our differences. We want to express our interests, hopes, and desires. We want to show others that we are still unique individuals regardless of circumstance. Most of all, we want to encourage others to find the joys of where they are in life, while continuing to seek after other good things!
